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 *steps up to podium* *taps mic* Is this thing on? 

Negro Twitter, Black Twitter, Twitter Noir, whatever you want to call yourselves…y’all are doing WAY too much. And it’s sad really. Because there used to be a time when Twitter was actually FUN. There used to be a time when I actually looked forward to logging on. Remember the “Brown Twitter Bird” days? Remember when we used to live tweet awards shows & end up in Twitter jail? That’s the Twitter that I miss. Now it has gotten to the point where at any given moment you can log on and step right into a steaming pile of bullshit. According to my TL, everyone on Twitter eats the best food, and smokes the best weed, and drinks the best (whisky, cognac, vodka, tequila, Simply Orange Mango), listens to the best music and gets the best head. GET. THE. FUCK. 

Here are a few problems that I have identified. If I’ve missed anything, please feel free to let me know. If you are guilty of ANY of these things, you are part of the problem, not the solution. You’re contributing to the bubbling cauldron of e-feelings that’s about to boil over and you need to cut it out post haste. 

1.) Newbies Seeking Shine: This is #1 on my list for a reason. I’ve noticed within the last 6 months or so an influx of new people showing up at the gates of Negro Twitter like it’s Ellis fucking Island. The fact that there are new folks in “the circle” isn’t the problem. It’s actually refreshing to have new folks to talk to. It’s the new folks who seem to be vying for their position at the cool kids table that’s the real issue. And in turn, the old heads seem to be competing or trying to one-up the newbies. Everyone seems so fucking EXTRA all of the sudden. When the truth is, a lot of these extra folks you see on Twitter aren’t even that way offline! Be yourself. Actually, don’t. Because you’re really boring in real life and you’ll lose followers. (That’s what it’s about, right? Gaining followers? How often do you check to see how many followers you’ve gained? How often do you check to see how many you’ve lost & who they were? If the answer is <1 per week, you really need to read a book/get some sea monkies/adopt a homeless hamster.) You wanna be Twitter famous? You can have that shit. Because in 6 months another boat is gonna arrive with a fresh batch of immigrants trying to bump you from your little corner falafel stand that you worked so hard to earn. Enjoy your shine while you got it. Enjoy the RT’s, enjoy the favorites. If you work real hard you might even make it to Zindzi’s #FF!

2.) Thirsty Niggas & Attention Seeking Broads: They go hand in hand and are a DANGEROUS combination. Thirsty niggas need attention seeking broads and attention seeking broads need thirsty niggas. He thinks he might get to smell the drawls one day and she knows this will NEVER happen. She just likes the attention. She likes him in her @’s all day and him lol’ing at all of her corny ass jokes. He likes the fact that a semi decent looking girl that isn’t his first cousin is actually paying attention to him. He’ll throw on his cape and goon for her if it looks like folks are coming at her. Eventually she’ll get bored and move on to another host, and he’ll find some other parasite whose Twitpics he can stalk and save to his desktop. Gassing these hoes up creates thirst traps that make the rest of us want to vomit on our keyboards. Women roll their eyes each time that thirsty nigga RT’s that Attention Seeking Broad (ASB) and dudes call him a simp. Ladies & fellas: you’re both playing yourselves. Keep that shit to your DM’s. Nobody wants to see it.

3.) The Countless New Radio Shows: There are only 7 days in the week. And there are literally 2 new shows popping up every single week. We ALL follow the same people. Do you honestly think your TL wants to listen to 10 shows every week? I’m pretty sure mine doesn’t. Who has time to listen to 10 shows in a week? I sure don’t! I don’t even have time to listen to my own show. Instead of joining forces, everyone wants to stand out. Nobody wants to be in the background. Nobody wants to be a professional “caller.” Everyone wants to be a star! “OMG you were so funny on so & so’s show! You should have your own!” And that is how you create a monster. So now you’re placing yourself in a situation where you’re only going to have 60 live listeners every week instead of 600. Because it’s physically impossible for everyone to support TEN SHOWS. The game has officially been oversaturated. The dozens of new radio shows popping up like chicken pox are a turn off. Shit’s wack. No disrespect intended but let’s be realistic. I swear to Buddha, if I see a “Meow Mix & Mohammed Hour” on BlogTalk I’m gonna lose my shit. 

4.) Subtweets: If you have an issue with someone, stop being passive aggressive and address them directly. If you don’t want to do that, that’s your choice too. Every issue doesn’t warrant having a big formal sit down with someone to discuss it. I get that. But stop subtweeting because all you’re doing is starting shit. You’re seeking attention. You want people to ask you what you’re talking about. You want to appear to be a tough guy. But you’re not. @’ing someone is a direct shot. Subtweeting is shooting up the club. Chances are you’re gonna end up hitting an innocent bystander. Now animosity has been created because someone is going to see that subtweet as a shot at them. If that was your goal then bravo. If not, cut it out. Take direct shots or shut the fuck up. Get yourself a diary and work that shit out on your own time…OFFLINE.

5.) Fake Accounts:  I always wonder who the lonely, no friends having, Xtube watching, no ass getting, home every Saturday night bastards are that create these accounts. Who has time to create and maintain a fake account to start spilling people’s business or starting shit between folks? Someone with NO LIFE, that’s who. Is this really your life?  You are truly a miserable human being and I pray that you never procreate.

6.) “Pissing In The Punchbowl”: I renamed # 6 after seeing this analogy come across my TL via @Imapervert

“20 people are having fun and enjoying themselves. And then one bitch comes along and starts shit, picks fights, and ruins the mood. 

Don’t piss in the punch bowl. 
Don’t be a wet blanket.

If you don’t express your dissatisfaction in a tactful manner, then don’t be surprised when everyone jumps on you for being an asshole.”   

Prime example: Last Friday. The Royal Wedding. Everyone’s laughing and tweeting and having a grand old time. We’re talking about the funny hats and I mentioned that I was hoping to see Cate walk down the aisle with her arms extended before stopping to hop up & down on 1 leg and bark like a big dog. And out of nowhere here come a few disgruntled assholes complaining about the fact that the RW was on every channel and that there’s other news going on in the world and we shouldn’t lose sight of that. And rants ensued about the media and how twisted it is. What exactly is wrong with us taking a 4 hour siesta from the tornado coverage and the tsunami devastation updates and all the other horrible shit in the world? Why are you walking into a party that you don’t even want to be at and pissing in the punch bowl? And why are you sensitive now that folks have called you out on it? You knew what it was before you logged in. You don’t like what’s being discussed? Go give a drowning kitten mouth to mouth since you’re so much better than the rest of us.

7.) “You Didn’t Care About ______Before” Guy: A celebrity dies. Royals get married. A natural disaster occurs in a foreign country. Zsa Zsa’s leg is amputated. People tweet about it. “YDCA” guy comes in with the “None of y’all were talking about Elizabeth Taylor/Japan/feline AIDS yesterday and now…” Shut the entire fuck up. Like Z said last week, just because I don’t tweet about something EVERY SINGLE DAY doesn’t mean I don’t care about it. Don’t be this guy. Nobody likes this guy.

8.) Tweets & Retweets: 

         a. Retweeting An ENTIRE TL: If I wanted to see someone’s entire TL, I’d follow them myself. I’ve tweeted over 96,000 times. I think I know how this whole tweeting thing works. There are people in your TL who are NOT interested in reading certain people’s tweets, which is why we don’t follow those individuals. YOU are the reason why Global Filter was invented. 

         b. Fake RT’s: I’ve NEVER been into this. It’s one thing to fake RT Albert Einstein or Tyrese. It’s another thing to fake RT another person you follow & say something that could be perceived as malicious. ESPECIALLY if you’re @’ing someone else in that fake RT. You don’t know the history of the parties involved. Nothing good can come of this. Stop abusing your 140 character privileges.

         c. @’ing Folks That Don’t Fuck With Each Other: I just addressed this yesterday and it started a shit storm. I don’t expect anyone to monitor my tweets to this extent: “Well, Christine tweeted @thisnigga 14 times two weeks ago and 8 times last week and only 1 time this week so maybe she doesn’t like him anymore so I probably shouldn’t include their names in the same tweet.” That’s fucking ridiculous. I was referring to me & an individual that had a public parting of ways & haven’t spoken in over a month. It’s not that hard to figure out. Don’t be a messy cunt. Stop spending your life in your mentions and pull your head out of your ass once in a while to see what’s going on in the rest of the Twitter world. If you can’t keep up with the volume of people you follow maybe you need to follow less people.

10. Unsportsmanlike Conduct: A little shit talking never hurt anyone. But I’ve seen people get downright disrespectful on Twitter during sporting events. Talking shit about the town that a person is from, calling all of the fans names, etc. There’s no need to get personal but folks stay pushing the envelope. Some of y’all don’t know when enough is enough. It all boils down to respect. You can keep on pushing folks if you want to! Eventually you’re gonna push the wrong one on the wrong day and get your little wig snatched. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

 11.) DON’T PLAGIARISE ME BRO: Last Friday I tweeted “Reduce your carbon tweetprint. Recycle a joke.” I tweeted something about some of the wedding hats looking like some shit out of Whoville and not 2 minutes later saw that same tweet regurgitated on my TL. It’s happening WAY too often. There isn’t a shortage on jokes people. There are zillions of undiscovered jokes. Go discover them. I’ve literally seen jokes copied VERBATIM. I actually had a situation happen a few weeks ago where I tweeted something and the very next night I heard it recited VERBATIM on a radio show. Although I was happy to hear the uproarious laughter that my joke received, I was a little disappointed in the delivery. (I wouldn’t have told MY joke with the emphasis on those certain words.) It wasn’t even preempted with “SteenFox said…” My joke literally got jacked. And it was something SO obscure there was no way that it was a coincidence. ESPECIALLY since the person who jacked it was the one I tweeted it to! Granted, none of us are getting paid for the jokes we tweet but the shit is just wack to me. You can’t come up with your own funnies? Maybe you just aren’t funny.

 So there you have it. 11 issues that I see happening every day that are causing strife in these tweets. I don’t have an epic closing. Just stop being wack. Buy my cookies.