In an effort to pass the time at work & break up the grits & ass eating convos on my TL, I came up with the idea of doing a “5 Things I’m Not Here For “ challenge. If this works, I think it’ll be quite entertaining. All you have to do is list 5 things you’re not here for & why. Maybe you’re fed up because your air conditioning isn’t working. Perhaps you’re not here for the hair that you found in your $12 salad. It could be anything! Then encourage a few of your friends to join too. Cool? Cool! Let’s begin.
1.) Fake Ocean: If you’re unaware, there are several active Frank Ocean parody accounts on Twitter. There’s @frank__ocean, @frank_ocean_& @frank_ocaen. I’m sure there are others, but those are the 3 that I keep seeing getting RT’ed into my TL. I think it’s hilarious that people follow these accounts & RT them and often even attempt to have conversations with them. Lord…reading is fundamental. Anyway, last night, @frank__ocean told @frank_ocaen that he was fake. Well if that isn’t the fake pot calling the fake kettle fake! Then Fake Ocean tweeted that he “loves his fans.” When I told him that he didn’t have no gotdamn fans, he proceeded to tell me that his 9k followers were his fans, that they love his tweets, and that I’m a nappy headed hoe. LMAO! Be that as it may, there are folks out here living out their dreams of stardom & relevance via parody accounts. It must really suck to be so uninteresting that the only time you can get attention from strangers is if you pretend to be someone else. I don’t even have time to be Christine, so this concept is more foreign than 2 Chainz cars & broads but it’s happening every day y’all. I blame the people following these accounts for giving these pitiful children life. Anyone following Fake Will Smith (he has 30k followers) or Fake Katt Williams (he has 369 THOUSAND followers. And he’s not even funny!) or Fake Prince (Prince hates the internet. Why the hell are 30k people following this account?) shame on you! A few weeks ago, I saw an account that had around 25k followers and was using pictures of some random internet model. Dudes were all up in this accounts mentions telling “her” how fine she was & the fake account was thanking these people! That’s how dudes get caught up. Next thing you know, you find out that the person you’ve been DM’ing those pics of your peen to is actually named Earl.
2.) Steebie J’s Women: I swear you would end up with alcohol poisoning if you took a shot every time Mimi & Joseline from “Love & Hip Hop Atlanta” referred to Stevie J as “my man” during the course of 1 episode. Claiming Stevie J as your man is the equivalent of claiming a parking spot at the mall as “your spot.” Sure it’s yours as long as you’re there. But as soon as you leave, someone else is going to be in it & it’ll be their spot. Stop trynna claim folks that don’t wanna be claimed. You look foolish.
3.) These boobs in this heat: Listen. I realized last weekend whilst sweating my weave out at the BET Awards that I have winter titties. It’s just too gotdamn hot for all this chest insulation. The only time I’m not miserable about the chest area is October 1st – April 30th. May 1st-September 31st is for C cups & smaller. I’m about to sew some of those blue freezer packs into the lining of my sports bra cuz lord!
4.) Other people’s privates & reproductive organs: People are so preoccupied with what other people are doing with their privates. Stop worrying about what consenting adults are doing with other consenting adults. Stop focusing on what STRANGERS are doing in bed. If we’re not sleeping together, I don’t care about your nethers. I’m not here for Fantasia’s womb. You can’t really be seriously mad that Adele is pregnant & unwed. Is this 1953? And I REALLY don’t care if Frank Ocean is a top or a bottom. F*ck I look like worrying about who Fantasia is pregnant by when I have boxes stacked to the ceiling in my bedroom? I live in a Class A fire hazard! My neighbors stole my underwear. I have other stuff on my plate & I’m sure you do too. If not, get you some business. Shit.
5.) Chasing People Down: To paraphrase a tweet that I read the other day, every time someone greets you with “hey stranger”, they’ve been a stranger themselves. I have a busy life. We all have obligations & priorities and such. I moved into a new place on June 1st & it looks like I moved in July 1st. I’ve worked 2 awards shows since I started moving in, 1 of which was in another state. My kitchen & my bathroom are the only 2 rooms that don’t look ransacked. The struggle is real. There are only 24 hours in a day & trying to get everything crammed into those 24 hours is hard for a G. I get it. But when you get a free moment, you reach out to the people you care about to let them know that you’re still alive. A quick “hello” text takes 10 seconds. My time is just as precious as the next person’s so if I reach out to you in the midst of my busy schedule, you should feel honored. I feel honored when my busy friends keep in touch. But if that effort isn’t reciprocated, I have no trouble disappearing. I do give a f*ck, but please know that my f*cks have a shelf life. I refuse to chase ANYONE down. Don’t let my f*cks expire on your ass. You’ll mess around & get that “Who’s this?” text response next time you decide it’s convenient for you to hit me up.
So, these are 5 things that I’m not here for this week. What are you not here for? Let me know! I also want to know what @beauty_jackson, @luvvie, @TheXDExperience, @KidFury, @SimplyAyeproh, @BrokeyMcPoverty, @MissZindzi, @Crissles, @CorporateBarbie, & @LeeBlvd aren’t here for!