I’ve been meaning to write this post for some time now (I’m reminded after every holiday!) but a few tweets that I saw on my timeline today about Father’s Day reminded me that it was time to get ‘er done! I’ve been on Twitter for 3 years now. Folks find something to complain about every day. I’m certainly no exception to the rule. But you’d think they’d at least take Easter or Christmas off right? WRONG! No holiday is safe. Everything written below, I’ve witnessed with my own two eyes. So, if this Father’s Day is your first Father’s Day on Twitter, you might wanna skip down to June & read it quickly so that you know what you’re in for. This guide is designed to help you navigate through the holidays on Twitter.
January : New Year’s Day – This is the day that everyone decides to turn over a new leaf. Maybe you’re going to start using that gym membership that you’ve been getting charged for monthly for the past 3 years. Maybe you’ve decided that you’re going to finally quit smoking. Or perhaps you’ve decided to stop cussing like a sailor. Well f*ck that! Because according to Twitter, you’re going to FAIL! You’ll be a fat, cigarette smoking potty mouth before February 1st. So stop acting all brand new with your lofty resolutions and pass me that pack of Newports!
MLK Day- Do you remember a few years back when OMG Facts picked MLK Day of all days to tweet about MLK being a philanderer? Good times. A few things happen on MLK Day. *You can expect to see some random fake account trolling & tweeting racially offensive commentary and folks RT’ing it and reacting to it. Let’s not forget about the ever popular party flyers with black & white photos of MLK holding a fist full of dollars and a few butt naked strippers Photoshopped around him. The flyer will read “This Monday Night Celebrate MLK’s Dream With These Dreamy B*tches At Club Backshots” or something like that. Folks will react. 2 weeks later people on Facebook will find out about. Sometime in February, one of your relatives will email the flyer to you. Rinse. Repeat.
February: February is Black History Month. People will start complaining about the fact that Black History Month was given the shortest month of the year. 2012 will officially go down in Negro Twitter History as “The Worst Black History Month Ever” so next year I’m sure we can expect to see people tweeting about 2012 and how awful it was. You can always count on a bunch of folks trying to out-black each other by showcasing the depth of their black history knowledge. Honestly, the best part of BHM on Twitter is @BrokeyMcPoverty’s “Little Known Black History Facts.” http://littleknownblackhistoryfacts.tumblr.com/ Oh, that and the annual “Red Bones vs. Darkies” party flyers. I wonder if mixed chicks get in half price. Get it? *crickets*
Valentine’s Day – Or as it should be called “National Side Chick Shade Day”. A few things happen on February 14th. You have the people who are actually content with their own current dating status whether they’re single or in a relationship. If the former goes out tonight though, she’s a hoe. The latter may have received flowers, gotten engaged, or maybe they’re planning to spend an evening with that special person in their life. Or maybe they’re happy doing none of these things. Who knows. But God forbid they should happen to tweet a picture of their engagement ring! Some a**hole is going to comment on how ugly the ring is. Or how ugly her fingers are. Or how ugly she is. “Ugly hoes out here getting chose.” If they tweet a picture of the flowers, someone’s gonna comment on the fact that they “only” got 1 dozen roses. Or maybe they’re short stems. Then there are the people who will tweet that the day is dumb because “You shouldn’t wait until February 14th to show someone that you love them.” Then other people will respond that there’s nothing wrong with showing someone you love them on February 14th or any other day. And let’s not forget about the people who will tweet about what a waste of money the day is, how commercialized it is, etc. “This aint no real holiday! It was created by Hallmark to sell cards & candy.” Be that as it may, if you got 1 dozen roses and a big ass balloon delivered to your office with a teddy bear stuffed inside of it wearing a lil tuxedo holding a heart shaped pillow with “I Can’t *Bear* To Be Without You” embroidered on it, you’d say “Awwwwww” & you’d take a picture of it and filter it & Instagram it and summoe sh*t so stop being so damn bitter and go eat your Lean Cuisine with your single ass. I mean…that’s what people would say to you on that day. *coughs* Where was I…oh, yes. So “National Side Chick Shade Day.” LORD! This is the day that side chicks far & wide just can’t catch a break. The “If you haven’t heard from him today, you might be a side chick” tweets go from 12am EST ‘til 11:59 pm PST. Folks actually start gearing up a few days before the 14th and these type of tweets usually end around the 16th. All I care about is that the Valentine’s Snickers are gonna be 50% off when Target opens the next morning so…
President’s Day – All of the President’s owned slaves. “How many white people do you know with the last name Jefferson?” Blah, blah, blah.
March: St. Patrick’s Day – Just an excuse for white people to get drunk and teabag each other.
April: Easter – This day has nothing to do with eggs or rabbits. It’s also not Jesus’ birthday so don’t wish him a happy birthday. And if you’ve ever tweeted a single negative thing and you went to church today, you’re fraudulent.
May: Cinco de Mayo – Just an excuse for white people to get drunk & teabag each other while wearing sombreros. “This isn’t even Mexican Independence Day” so expect to see those tweets. “Real” Mexicans don’t celebrate Cinco de Mayo, to which I say fine! That just means there will be less people in front of me in the taco line at El Torito. Ole!
Mother’s Day – This day will leave you feeling like the thighs of Jessica Simpson’s leggings. Worn out. Soooo much mama shade goes down on Mother’s Day. I don’t even know how it starts but folks are in their feelings ‘til midnight. Some people have determined that other people are sh*tty moms so there are tweets related to that. “You were at the club last night tho” and blah, blah, blah. Then there are those whose mothers are no longer alive and they share their stories and some disrespectful a**hole always has to come say something ignorant. And while we’re on the subject, if you’re gonna put a picture up of your mother as your avi just be realistic with yourself, mmkay? Cuz nothing is “slander” proof. If your mother has a mustache, you’ll hear about it. And if your mother is attractive, be prepared to have a bunch of filthy men in your mentions asking for your mama’s phone #. Single mother’s can’t catch a break either. Mother’s Day on Twitter is kinda gross actually now that I think about it. :(
June: Father’s Day – Do you know who your father is? Do you know who your baby’s father is? Are you a father? If so, why are you on Twitter and not tossing a ball with your kids? Twitter gets downright disrespectful on Father’s Day. Then the people who don’t have relationships with their fathers will tweet something to which others will respond that their bitterness is showing. Some random baby mama will be venting on her TL about her bum of a baby daddy hasn’t paid child support in 2 years but he got them new J’s doe! And she’ll get RT’ed and folks will start making fun of her and someone will make a Maury joke & someone else will Photoshop a pair of J’s next to a picture of a sad baby or something and so on & so forth. Father’s Day gets real ignorant real quick.
July: Independence Day – Slaves weren’t independent back in 1776 so this day isn’t for us. We were still picking cotton and blah blah blah. STFU and go eat a hot link and be glad that you have the gotdamn day off. And if you don’t…well, you should be spending this time searching for a job that offers paid holidays.
August: Twitter usually takes August off. They’ve been going hard for 7 months straight, duh!
September: Labor Day – BBQ. Everyone loves BBQ. There aren’t any complaints here. Unless the wrong person brings the potato salad…
October: Columbus Day – Columbus & the Italians gave the Indians herpes & decided to have a parade about it or something. I don’t know. I just know folks get real angry on Columbus Day. The only thing that pisses me off about it is that the mailman doesn’t come that day. USPS hates Indians.
Halloween – This day is like Christmas for whores & gays. You’re either too old to be dressing up or if you dress up and you’re a dude, then you’re gay. Or if you wear a certain costume you’re a hoe. Or you’re fat.
Breast Cancer & Domestic Violence Awareness Month -October is both Breast Cancer & Domestic Violence Awareness month. Twitter couldn’t possibly use these 2 serious causes to act a fool, right? WRONG. Let me tell you what you can expect in the month of October. Typically on 10/01, you’ll see people tweeting links with statistics about breast cancer and domestic violence. Sometimes these links will contain statistics about which groups are at higher risk, places you can go to for free mammograms, etc. There will be links to shelters and hotlines that you can call if you are in an abusive relationship. People will change their avis to pics of their loved ones who are survivors or who lost the battle to breast cancer. Then the ignorance begins. A few women will change their avis to pictures of themselves in a sexy pink bra. Someone will tweet about how they’re not here for the sexy bra avis and how breast cancer is being sexualized. “There’s nothing sexy about breast cancer!” they’ll say. Sexy breast cancer avi girl will say she’s not sexualizing breast cancer, but merely supporting it with her healthy breasts. Then she’ll post a few links about mammograms before returning to her normal ratchet tweets. Someone else will put a picture of a mangled breast up as their avi. Breast cancer survivors & people who have actually lost a loved one to the disease will be offended. The person with the mangled breast avi will try to justify the reason for why they put that insensitive stock photo up. People will say “If you, you’re your mother, or sister to breast cancer, you wouldn’t have put that photo up.” Meanwhile, pictures of Rihanna’s bruised face will show up in Chris Brown’s mentions & Ike Turner jokes will be resurrected.
November: Thanksgiving – Side chicks only get to see #him on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving or the Friday after. That’s how you can tell if you’re a side chick. This is non-negotiable. You’ll see a lot of tweets suggesting that side chicks are sitting around at home waiting for #him to call with that Thanksgiving invite. @MissZindzi brought up an interesting point: “Don’t side chicks have friends/families?” Apparently not. They’re all friendless orphans. Don’t tweet about what you’re thankful for because you don’t deserve to be thankful if you’re fat or ugly or don’t have edges. And don’t you dare fix someone else’s man a plate of food. This automatically means you want to have sex with him right on the dinner table in front of everyone in attendance. In spite of all of this, Thanksgiving is the most entertaining Twitter holiday IMO because of #ThatPlate. Yes! We look forward to seeing all of the culinary tragedies. Someone will burn a ham or forget to take the bag of giblets out of the turkey before roasting it or they’ll drop a #ChestPie! You can find some of the horrible food pictures from previous years here: http://thatplate.tumblr.com/post/13166555986/thanksgiving-on-thatplate-this-is-a-week-that
December : Christmas – It’s not really Jesus’ birthday and sidechicks are all alone. That iPad that you said #him bought you, you probably bought it for yourself. Your Christmas tree looks like Charlie Brown’s tree and something something edges. (I couldn’t think of anything else to say but this insult always seems to work.) Everyone hates Christmas songs. Or maybe they like Christmas songs but they don’t like right ones. (Don’t you dare say your favorite Christmas song is Donnie Hathaway’s “This Christmas” or The Temptation’s “Silent Night.” If you like either of these songs, you a hoe.)
Kwanzaa – How many of the 7 principles can you name? Besides “Jumanji”, “Jenga”, & “MoKenStef”. Kwanzaa is a made up holiday. It’s negro Hanukkah. Blah, blah, blah.
New Year’s Eve –Side chicks are alone again. Folks are out buying new outfits & bottle service with their rent money. Going out is a waste of money and if you’re staying home it’s because you’re old, broke, and you don’ t have any friends. Or edges.
So there you have it folks! Feel free to reblog, add your own commentary or let me know if I missed anything. Keep this handy so that you’ll know what to expect for the upcoming holidays.
*revised. reluctantly. #idcidcidc